I started typing a mean spirited entry hours ago, but then my laptop died and I was too distracted by other things to get back to it.
Perhaps that was a sign. This is now my first post of the new year.
I have a perpetual case of wanting people to like me. Or rather, I'm scared of not being liked by others. This has, understandably, caused me grief to no end considering it led to my fear of confrontation, as well as have people walk all over in some occasions. Earning people's fondness makes me feel better about myself. Lately, however, it's been people's ire rather than their affection that's only been getting to me. Being liked no longer felt pleasant.
This has mostly to do with the friends I've lost in the past two years. Over the past year I've been so starved for affection that I gave my attention with abandon. What I got in return was inconsideration, ingratitude, and just plain hurt. I've allowed myself to look away from those who were just using me. I'm wary and weary now. I know how cold and isolated I act sometime, but I'm weary of those who like me because of a picture, or how I RP, or just fandom. I don't think I have the heart to forgive everytime, and I don't think I have a heart big enough not to be bitter.
I never meant for this entry to be so bleak, but I need to be honest with myself in order to get better and work harder at it this year.
Perhaps that was a sign. This is now my first post of the new year.
I have a perpetual case of wanting people to like me. Or rather, I'm scared of not being liked by others. This has, understandably, caused me grief to no end considering it led to my fear of confrontation, as well as have people walk all over in some occasions. Earning people's fondness makes me feel better about myself. Lately, however, it's been people's ire rather than their affection that's only been getting to me. Being liked no longer felt pleasant.
This has mostly to do with the friends I've lost in the past two years. Over the past year I've been so starved for affection that I gave my attention with abandon. What I got in return was inconsideration, ingratitude, and just plain hurt. I've allowed myself to look away from those who were just using me. I'm wary and weary now. I know how cold and isolated I act sometime, but I'm weary of those who like me because of a picture, or how I RP, or just fandom. I don't think I have the heart to forgive everytime, and I don't think I have a heart big enough not to be bitter.
I never meant for this entry to be so bleak, but I need to be honest with myself in order to get better and work harder at it this year.
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