01 January 2012 @ 12:35 am
 
I started typing a mean spirited entry hours ago, but then my laptop died and I was too distracted by other things to get back to it.

Perhaps that was a sign. This is now my first post of the new year.

I have a perpetual case of wanting people to like me. Or rather, I'm scared of not being liked by others. This has, understandably, caused me grief to no end considering it led to my fear of confrontation, as well as have people walk all over in some occasions. Earning people's fondness makes me feel better about myself. Lately, however, it's been people's ire rather than their affection that's only been getting to me. Being liked no longer felt pleasant.

This has mostly to do with the friends I've lost in the past two years. Over the past year I've been so starved for affection that I gave my attention with abandon. What I got in return was inconsideration, ingratitude, and just plain hurt. I've allowed myself to look away from those who were just using me. I'm wary and weary now. I know how cold and isolated I act sometime, but I'm weary of those who like me because of a picture, or how I RP, or just fandom. I don't think I have the heart to forgive everytime, and I don't think I have a heart big enough not to be bitter.

I never meant for this entry to be so bleak, but I need to be honest with myself in order to get better and work harder at it this year.
 
 
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Junebugღ: aph ⊕ comfort[personal profile] shaymin on January 1st, 2012 12:17 am (UTC)
Eeeeeeverything in the entry could have been written by me. ARE YOU ME. WHO ARE YOU DOPPELGANGER.

In all seriousness though, every time I read about how someone has hurt you, it fills me with great rage! I don't know how anyone could. I don't see anything but good things about you, and yet you are so sad. I don't know how to help, and I know we haven't known each other for that long. But. Hnng. I keep saying the same things over and over again, and I mean every word.

I'm sorry.
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Sapphire[personal profile] swordspoint on January 1st, 2012 12:21 pm (UTC)
Maybe I'm in your brain, typing your thoughts up.

I think I tend to come off as melodramatic in my writings. I'm not so hurt that I can't recover again. My feelings are, but I'm not damaged or anything like that.

Please don't be sorry! The thing is I'm trying to deal with people who are trying to get close to me but I'm not meshing well with at the same time, so I need to work on that.
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[identity profile] anomay.livejournal.com on December 31st, 2011 10:30 pm (UTC)
Love yourself more, sweetie, and people will flock to you.

I start not to care too much about what other people think of me in recent years - and voila! I suddenly like myself a lot more and the rest follows.
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[identity profile] sapphire-hime.livejournal.com on January 2nd, 2012 03:08 pm (UTC)
That is the most sensible thing anyone had said to me in a while. Thank you. I'm trying my best. I really am, and I think I've come a long way in the past two years, so that's something.

As it is, there are people flocking to me whose company I really don't want to keep. They're petty and toxic, and quite unfortunately, negative as well. I find their presence harmful but I don't know how to get rid of them without tearing some of the social circles that I do like being in for the time being.
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