swordspoint: Pixiv ID 18323422 (pic#3631552)
Sapphire ([personal profile] swordspoint) wrote on May 29th, 2012 at 11:25 pm
I've been making somewhat brief, if vague, entries in my journal with the thoughts and feelings I've been taking away from my therapy sessions. I haven't done that in a while, but I thought pouring some introspection might help in the long run. I'm already feeling better, but I'd like to maintain this sense of feeling better for longer than a few days.

I used to joke about my brain running firmly on analogies, but I find in this case analogies have been serving me well, so I'm going to use a couple of them to describe the most dominant mindsets I have.

My feelings of resentment, anger, and frustration are akin to standing in a corner, facing the wall. I'm caged in and unable to move forward, and yet I can't turn around because of the weight of all the people behind me I feel are blocking me. I can't step back to see the bigger picture, and that I can actually move beyond this. Once I've been able to distinguish between my thoughts and my feelings, it was somewhat liberating. My feelings aren't necessary true, even as they fuel my thoughts, so to speak.

I like to think of depression as being under this thick, suffocating blanket. I'm able to see with some difficulty, and hear with some constraint, but the constant presence of this blanket makes everything so much harder to do. I don't feel the sun on me, and I can't enjoy all the things I used to be able to previously. When I remember happier days, they're days without the blanket and without this cellophane wrapping over my brain. I need to know and believe I can get from under it. I would like to feel the air on my skin once more, and more than that, I fervently want to move without this weight on me.

Dealing with other people while like this is another beast entirely, but I need to focus on myself first.
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