An online friend I haven't talked to in a few years just updated his journal recently. We've known each other for ten years now, even though we're no longer in touch, more or less. I've come to accept that with online friendships (and some RL ones) that drifting away may come with more ease and before we know it.

It was a tragic, heart breaking entry, as well, and one that I won't go into out of respect for his situation. It's also made me hesitate to comment. I'm sympathetic, but I don't have the words for this particular situation, and I feel rude and intrusive as we haven't talked in a very long time. Even before drifting apart we weren't particularly close, as far as online friendships go.

It made me pause and think about plenty of friendships or pseudo-friendships I've had over the past few years, especially those made over RP (as he had been someone I RPed with extensively in the past). I had joined the livejournal RP community back in 2007, and had met a plethora of people, a couple of whom are my closest friends to this day. And yet, today and in this time, I no longer speak to the majority of these people, and it doesn't really pain me that I don't.

It's not really the loss of these fleeting friendships that I mourn, but rather it is myself I'm looking at critically, and the person I used to be during these times. I remember the good moments along with anger, frustration, and self doubt. Now that I've stepped away from these days I'm dismayed at the effort and earnestness I had spent pleasing people who hadn't really cared about me beyond text on a computer screen. I remember all these appreciation memes where people I adored would heap their feelings, and then add with some embarrassment that I wasn't among those they were talking about. It such a childish and petty thing to harp on, but I realize I had been in a place where none of these people actually cared about me.

And what pains me is that none of these were actual friendships save for a few exceptions. People never liked me beyond being "sweet and nice".

I was trimming my plurk list, removing the last few people belonging to that circle when it hit me really hard. I'm mad at myself for investing so much of my heart and energy into these fleeting things.

I was recently told "You're nice to everyone. When are you going to be nice to yourself?" I wish I had invested in being nice to myself back then.