09 May 2012 @ 10:53 pm
 
An online friend I haven't talked to in a few years just updated his journal recently. We've known each other for ten years now, even though we're no longer in touch, more or less. I've come to accept that with online friendships (and some RL ones) that drifting away may come with more ease and before we know it.

It was a tragic, heart breaking entry, as well, and one that I won't go into out of respect for his situation. It's also made me hesitate to comment. I'm sympathetic, but I don't have the words for this particular situation, and I feel rude and intrusive as we haven't talked in a very long time. Even before drifting apart we weren't particularly close, as far as online friendships go.

It made me pause and think about plenty of friendships or pseudo-friendships I've had over the past few years, especially those made over RP (as he had been someone I RPed with extensively in the past). I had joined the livejournal RP community back in 2007, and had met a plethora of people, a couple of whom are my closest friends to this day. And yet, today and in this time, I no longer speak to the majority of these people, and it doesn't really pain me that I don't.

It's not really the loss of these fleeting friendships that I mourn, but rather it is myself I'm looking at critically, and the person I used to be during these times. I remember the good moments along with anger, frustration, and self doubt. Now that I've stepped away from these days I'm dismayed at the effort and earnestness I had spent pleasing people who hadn't really cared about me beyond text on a computer screen. I remember all these appreciation memes where people I adored would heap their feelings, and then add with some embarrassment that I wasn't among those they were talking about. It such a childish and petty thing to harp on, but I realize I had been in a place where none of these people actually cared about me.

And what pains me is that none of these were actual friendships save for a few exceptions. People never liked me beyond being "sweet and nice".

I was trimming my plurk list, removing the last few people belonging to that circle when it hit me really hard. I'm mad at myself for investing so much of my heart and energy into these fleeting things.

I was recently told "You're nice to everyone. When are you going to be nice to yourself?" I wish I had invested in being nice to myself back then.
 
 
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Junebugღ: aph ⊕ weessst[personal profile] shaymin on May 11th, 2012 07:59 pm (UTC)
I wish you would talk to me more. I try to reach out to you and tell you about feelings, but it seems as though you don't want to get involved. You say things that seem superficial sometimes. If you want people to care about you more, I think you need to invest more.

What is wrong with me? Why are you scared to talk to me? Did I ever do anything to make you angry? I would love to add you to my plurklist again but you have said nothing about it. I am one of those people who would probably bother you to hang out constantly if we lived close, not just for RP, but because I think we could have very meaningful conversations.

As I've learned more about you, I realize that you are not just 'sweet and nice.' I think you're scared to commit, and I think that there are times that you don't care about others enough. Maybe you're scared. But if you want to know about self-esteem, you can come talk to me in that regards. I think we have a lot in common.

If you ever consider talking to me again, please let me know. Otherwise, I'll stop bothering you.
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Sapphire: pic#1767902[personal profile] swordspoint on May 11th, 2012 09:02 pm (UTC)
Please don't contact me again. Thank you.
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